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NEW ORLEANS—Jolting awake in a panicked daze, local man Bill Rolinger reportedly breathed a sigh of relief early Monday morning after realizing that the nightmare he had just experienced was only a reflection of his real-life problems.

The broadcast, sponsored by the Van Nuys-based telecommunications company Chat-Time Entertainment, urged all guys just like you to call these hot sexy girls without delay in order to minimize the amount of time the girls would have to wait.

While the precise number and location of girls in question was unspecified, James Hegl, a spokesperson for Chat-Time Entertainment, stressed that they are specifically interested in hearing from guys just like yourself.

ARDMORE, PA—Expressing frustration at how she continues to remain silent and passively go along with whatever they say, the parents of Olivia Edison, 10, told reporters Wednesday they wish their weak-willed daughter would push back even just a little against the violin lessons they make her take.

SCITUATE, RI—Finding no one waiting to greet him upon entering the restaurant Monday afternoon, local man Adam Peretti reportedly planned to continue slowly drifting toward the middle of Sidney’s Bistro until a host redirected him to a seat.

CALABASAS, CA—Astounded that it had never come up at any point in the six years they had known each other, local woman Lucy Reed, 25, reported Tuesday that her friend Nicole Silberthau had apparently been going by her middle name this whole fucking time.

Last modified 07-Jul-2015 23:52